This is Monstru Pirate Radio (MPR).
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MPR: Today, we have a very rare, and unplanned guest for you. Ruler of MONSTRU, Republicrat Abe LINCOLNSTEIN!
ABE: Yes, yes. Good to be here in this phono-radio device.
MPR: Wow! What an honor. You're call in today was totally unexpected.
ABE: Good, good. Wondergarden!
ABE: I like horses.
MPR: So, then... how did you become Emperor of MONSTRU?
ABE: I was born long ago, a hopeful boy with a tender dream...
ABE: ...
MPR: ...
MPR: ...And!
ABE: *Unintelligible whispering.*
ABE: AND a big, beautiful electo-battleaxe. I cut down every twig and branch and beast and bacon that I spied. "KILL KILL KILL," said I!
ABE: AND eventually, I chopped the head off of the Green King, tall as a feather: (Miser of Mother.)
ABE: FFZZZZT!
ABE: And I was recently elected as your fine and thoughtful and popular ruler. 127% of the vote!
MPR: ...
MPR: Fantastic. How has being ruler of MONSTRU been? It seems like a big responsibility.
ABE: Oh yes, with all of the diplomats and hangers on, and various idle hands and electronic impulses. General nonsense, I always say.
ABE: 127%
ABE: Government should be around the PEOPLE!
ABE: And the people want better ROADS. More LANES. Cheaper COAL. Reliable engines billowing with steam!
ABE: CHOC-O-LATE SPROCKET! FTZZZZzzzzzzl.
MPR: ...
MPR: Recently, on your decree, the AUTHORITY has been hunting down a large variety of "unpatriots," seemingly regular folk who have been claimed to harbor ill will against the State.
MPR: Why so many enemies?
ABE: If a bumblebee attacked a persimmon, who has the best claws to get to the most CANDY?
(Sound of something hitting the microphonograph.)
ABE: I DO! A hundred hammers, I DO! TZZ!
ABE: These heartless villains run ramshackle over our streets, burning our beds, and defiling our P-P-P-PATHOS!
ABE: SPIES! Breakers of the most noteable night. Underlings and chasms. Hidden crowns painted black.
ABE: They got me so wired up with this and that in a tangle, I see it all.
ABE: This is a sick world in need of healing, and I've got HEADS IN THE BACK OF MY EYES!
ABE: I SEE YOU!
ABE: Turnip turnkey system SUCKER!
ABE: TZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
ABE: CHIZT!
MPR: This transmission.
MPR: Has been.
MPR: Terminated.
MPR: ...
MPR: ...
MPR: ...
MPR: *
